So tonight, I went over to my Dad’s place to have dinner with him and his wife; well they don’t cook, so we went out for dinner. It has been a couple of months since I last saw my step mother. I don’t harbor any ill wills towards her, but I don’t just don’t trust her. There is too much phoniness when sitting at the dinner and conversing.
My dad wanted me to go over so that I could watch some of his taped Olympics broadcasts that were done from the perspective of CCTV and other Chinese broadcast outlets. A very interesting perspective aside from NBC. Most of the footage I’ve already seen through various sources like youtube and various blog posts from around the word. It is always good to get a different perspective on things, and even though I’ve seen most of the things, I humor him and hang out. All he really wants is to just have me hang out there; even though not much is said between us, it comforts him that I am there.
Now when we head out to dinner, I drive as well, since I usually just head back to my home after dinner. Teresa (the stepmom) sees that I have a new car and says that she wants to ride with me. Now, I know her, nothing she does is without a secondary agenda. So we get into my car and head towards the restaurant. And I already know what she’s going talk about. Clementine. She doesn’t have the full story, nor does my dad, so in a way, their opinions and ideas are already skewed. But they mean well, and I cannot fault them. Teresa and I discuss a few things on the car ride, normal stuff about relationships. As I reiterate the fact that there are 6 billion people out there in the world, and that there is always a much better match out there for me; she counters that regardless, it is difficult to find someone that matches up so well, and willing to stick around with me for seven full years. It’s a good thing at the restaurant we head to is not too far from my dad’s place and our conversation quickly ends.
Normally, at dinner, if it is just the three of us, the conversationalist are just Teresa and I. My dad just observes and stays quiet. I get my cunning from my father; so I know that just sits there and takes everything. He also rarely argues with me anymore because we’re both stubborn and too good at arguments and everything always leads to a stalemate. Again, learned all my manipulative powers and use of word play to twist something simple towards our own benefit from my father. My conversation with Teresa turns towards my sister and how she’s doing. I haven’t seen Teresa in a good couple of months; I think the last time I saw her was on my Father’s Birthday back in February; and that was the last time I saw my sister. I complain that since my sister has bought a house, I have not been invited over, less told that she even bought a house.
My sister and I have a strange relationship. She is stubborn, unforgiving, and cold. And her personality type is the complete opposite of mine. So needless to say, we don’t get along too well. But I’ve always invited her over to my house, even without my dad and Teresa, and I’ve invited her out to my ski trips as I learned that she really enjoys snowboarding. I’ve invited her to several ski trips and each time there is an excuse to not go. Needless to say, I make my complaint about how one sided I feel about the relationship and my dad and Teresa understand clearly. Teresa lives with my sister, so they talk. Again, Teresa is fairly two faced, so I have no idea how twisted or true my conversations are when they are related to her through Teresa. Oh well, my dad is there to bear witness.
Conversation then turns to what I’ve been up to for the past couple of months. I tell them that Jason and Claire got married. And the discussion turns towards family. I often compare Jason’s family with my own. I practically grew up in both house holds. I often wish that my family was more akin to Jason’s. Granted each family has their own dynamics and there are ups and downs here and there, but I given the option to trade families, it would be very tempting.
A little back story, it has been over 10 years since my mom and my sister last talked. The relationship with my sister and my father isn’t the greatest thing either. History of Teresa and my mom is another big story all together; then there is me. I don’t mind hanging out with my dad, we’ve had our differences, and we’ve argue more often than not, but we always reach other to each other regardless. Hell, we’re family, that’s what their there for. You argue with friends, and that doesn’t necessarily mean an end to a friendship. But the problem is that the majority of my family is too damn stubborn to swallow their own goddamn pride, admit fault, or just frigging forgive one another. And all this just leads to more and more built up tension and animosity towards one another.
The conversation turns towards the fear of my wedding day, how would I cull these three major pieces of my family at ONE friggin table without them pouting or tearing each other apart with snide shots at each other. Each side of my family refuses to back down, but I’m positive that they all would fear me if I voiced it. Actually, I know they would fear me and I’m sure that if I sat them down and honestly told them to behave, they would listen to me. They fear the wrath of my anger more than anyone, and they know the depths of my anger more than anyone.
I believe I have a higher capacity for forgiveness because I see the ugly side of being unforgiven, the unwillingness to extend the stupid olive branch. He said, she said, blame game. It’s retarded. I will not have any of it. It only serves to give on an ulcer or cancer of the colon for being so faithful and true to the ideology of an asshole. Teresa believes that she is above this, but she has also played her part in our family dynamics. All I needed to do was ask about Leon (her son, which whom I grew up with and was a very good friend growing up) getting married and where my wedding invitation was. There was a short amount of uncomfortable silence and she quickly changed the subject. Very predictable of her. I’m not sure if she realizes that most of my little jabs during the conversation against my mom, against my sister, etc; had dual meanings that applied directly towards her and my dad. Thank you dad for passing down the manipulation gene. The discussion turns towards how my friends are doing and about their families. I let it go, why bother sticking needles when the ones thrown in earlier are still visibly sticking out.
But this just goes to show how political or strategic the conversations over a simple dinner are with my dad’s side of the family. I poke jabs at my mom about her and my sister, and she’s as stubborn about it as ever, but there is a level of comfort with my mom. She is not so closed to a more open way of thinking. My mom isn’t as smart as I am, so it is very easy for me to convince her that I am right. At times I wish my family wasn’t so much like this, but then again, I don’t think I would be the man I am today without it. I don’t believe my capacity for forgiveness would be at such a level if I wasn’t witness to the ugliness that lies on the other side of the fence. Ok, enough of this mindless babbling, the stupid dinner just stirred up repressed thoughts and I just had to connect them to my own personal character devlopment.
The next few post should focus on build progress as I just accepted a commission for building a Tekkaman Evil kit; and I’m starting to get inspired to finish the Kanu kit that has been collecting dust from neglect on my workbench.