It has been about seven years now. My most recent relationship has now come to an end after seven years. I write this to better clear my own head, help myself understand the whole process, and to help come to terms with everything. It is a fairly anti climatic end, no big fight, no huge blowout, neither of us has found another – to my knowledge anyhow. Logically analyzing this, I believe that the two of us just fell out of love. Life got complacent, everything done is a repetitive motion. We continued our lives as if on autopilot.
A couple of weeks ago, she approached me and suggested that we take a break from each other. Perhaps to reevaluate things from a different perspective, get away from each other and truly evaluate how we feel about each other. Up until then, I never gave our situation any thought; mindlessly running as if everything was just fine. The clichÃ© term that relationships are a two way street comes to mind; and I’m asleep at the wheel on autopilot. Since she approached me about the issue, I react negatively. Taking off, I take some time to contemplate things, to reflect on the situation in as rational a manner as I can, I call up a good friend that will soon get married, and get his perspective on things. I get the standard response that relationships have their ups and downs, and it is just a matter of riding it through. He recommends some time away from each other. And as much as I’d love to pack up and head out to NYC for a week or so, I doubt it would help; I can just as easily close up myself at home – granted it is a bit awkward. After the discussion, I head home and open up some dialog. She is surprised that I returned and surprised at my willingness to talk.
The result of our conversation is that [cue Bill Medley and Bobby Hatfield – Righteous Brothers]: she’s lost that loving feeling. She wants to break up and move away to see if she truly has no feelings for me anymore. Keeping in mind that we’ve been living together for the past seven years, the logistics of separating may be slightly complicated, but that is not the issue. This forced me to reflect upon my own feelings for her. Time to reevaluate if I’ve lost that loving feeling as well. I’m still not entirely certain, but I should know for sure in the coming months. I’m currently numb to things. I felt the need to salvage things. So I turned to another friend, one who has been married for two years already.
The issue of complacency came into the conversation. There is a loss of the romance that was first sparked in the early stages of the relationship. So with his recommendations, I set to rekindle the waning flame. After a week of trying, I’m getting the feeling that one my side of the road, while bumpy and pot hole laden, is still open, but the other side is completely closed. When I look into her eyes, I realize that there is no spark in them, no returning warmth when she looks back at me. I wonder if she sees the same when she looks into my eyes.
Returning to my own feelings, that I should feel more hurt, more depressed with the situation; leads me to believe that I do have fallen out of love. That I want to salvage the relationship more for the sake of convenience. Logically evaluating the relationship, we are fairly compatible in our personalities, and many of our interests. But love is truly an emotion devoid of logic and reason. I have started telling immediate friends that we are parting ways. Most responses are utter shock. My roommate whom I have known for just about twenty years now is, was completely floored as she lives with us and sees our daily interactions. Most of my friends has accepted the girlfriend as her own entity, and possibly see her as a friend as opposed to “Clem’s girlfriend”.
I look to other relationships of my friends. I often feel that in comparison, these other relationships do not have the same connection that mine did; yet my relationship is now over. I have placed too much emphasis on logic and reason. There exists no such thing in love. I also refuse to allow love to dictate my actions. Perhaps this is the reason for the fall. Perhaps I have completely forsaken the key ingrediate of love. If I were still in love, by all logic and reason, the relationship would not have ended up in it’s current situation. Again, I continue to rationalize with logic and reason. Looking into my own heart, perhaps it is empty. Some distance is good, it’ll do me some good as well.
Having touched on the subject before, I am one who does not believe in the ideas that there exists a single person that is “the one”. Perhaps the day will come when I prove myself wrong; the realist in me often wins over the optimist. So out into the single world I tread…
I wonder how hard it will be to find a female that is interested in model building (resin figure or gunpla) that is not utterly repulsive in personality and attractiveness. Heh, there goes my optimistic side thinking aloud again…